Protecting Children with a Narcissistic Parent
Discovering you’re co-parenting with a narcissist can be frightening and overwhelming. It’s crucial to validate your concerns with a trusted third party. We often see, particularly with mothers, unwarranted accusations of narcissism that turn into psychological abuse through gossip and sometimes even involving the child. Be mindful of becoming abusive yourself out of anger, hurt, and feeling disrespected.
Consult experienced therapists or psychologists and thoroughly research the subject before taking drastic steps. Children need both parents; it’s vital for their development, regardless of how challenging co-parenting might be. Explore all avenues for collaboration before considering other options. Acting on this information without professional guidance is done at your own risk.
The Child’s Age
Narcissistic parents often find parenting easier with younger children who offer unconditional love and fewer demands. As children mature and become independent, the narcissistic parent may feel their "supply" threatened, escalating control and manipulation tactics, including systematically badmouthing you. If your child withdraws, they might be keeping secrets that cast you in a negative light. Be a safe haven where they can open up without judgment of the other parent. Create an environment of trust and acceptance.
Divorce and Children
During divorce, narcissists may weaponize children, turning them against the other parent. They might appear outwardly invested in the child’s welfare, but their focus often remains on their own needs and how the child serves them—a dynamic nearly impossible for outsiders to detect. Children become relevant only as long as they fit the narcissist's narrative of a successful life. Their charm and carefully crafted words make this manipulation difficult to spot.
Protecting Your Children
Inform Children About the Behavior: Explain that the narcissistic parent has a behavioral problem, not that there's something inherently wrong with them as a person. Say, for example, “Sometimes Dad/Mom acts this way—it’s hard, and I understand it,” or "I understand you’re upset that you don’t feel heard and understood; that must be difficult.” Avoid blaming, labeling, or creating drama. Your calmness is paramount. Children have a right to love both parents; don’t obstruct that love, even if it’s painful to witness.
Validate Children’s Experiences: Listen to their concerns and acknowledge their feelings. Help them articulate unmet needs without interrogating them or escalating the conflict. Remain neutral and supportive.
Set Boundaries: Protect children from manipulation and control whenever possible. Establish a sense of control and stability within your home to offer respite. Your strategy should be: "We do things this way in our home, and it's okay that things are different at your other parent’s house. I expect that difference to be respected."
Limiting Contact (When Necessary)
Restricting contact might be necessary to safeguard children, but proceed cautiously. Prioritize their well-being, ensuring they receive support for independence and setting healthy boundaries. Help them identify their needs and assert their boundaries, even when challenged by the narcissist.
Practical Considerations
Divide Responsibilities: Split responsibilities like phone calls, activities, playdates, gifts, clothing, and electronics. Having duplicates might be necessary.
Accept Unequal Financial Contributions: Don’t expect fairness regarding expenses. The narcissist likely won't reciprocate shared costs. Choose your battles wisely.
Create a Safe Zone: Ensure your home is free from parental conflict and your own emotional reactions to the narcissist. Seek support to process your emotions and model calm for your children.
Separate Allowances: Consider separate allowances if the narcissist monitors and criticizes spending.
Limit Phone Use (Cautiously and Temporarily): Briefly blocking the narcissistic parent might be necessary if constant contact stresses the child in your care. Use this tactic sparingly and only when truly disruptive, as it will likely provoke anger.
Other Practical Steps
Arrange handovers at school, establish written agreements (through official channels) for transfer times (including holidays and birthdays), and avoid direct contact during exchanges. Minimize conflict exposure for the children. Establish written agreements about handling illness and who decides when the child is sick. Formal, written agreements, whenever possible, are your best defense.
Create distance between the narcissist and children in your care. Don’t feel obligated to participate in joint celebrations for “the children’s sake.” Stand firm that contact isn’t beneficial due to high conflict and tension. The narcissist will likely not accept this reasoning, but it’s a justifiable stance for external authorities. It's often something children intuitively understand as well.
Dealing with Authorities
When involved with family courts or other authorities, document incidents and conversations. Avoid diagnosing; instead, describe specific behaviors and their impact. Be prepared for potential disbelief and the assumption of a standard "high-conflict" parental dispute. Authorities might misinterpret your efforts to minimize contact and structure interactions as uncooperative behavior.
The narcissist might present an idealized version of co-parenting while suggesting your efforts to create distance and reduce conflict are attempts to alienate the child. Be prepared for accusations of undermining their parenting or portraying them negatively.
The "high conflict" label itself can work against you, as authorities may see separating responsibilities and minimizing contact as escalating the conflict, even though it's designed to protect the children. You may need to acknowledge "participating in the conflict" to demonstrate self-awareness, even when prioritizing de-escalation. This is a difficult but sometimes necessary compromise to protect yourself and your children. Engage in family therapy and mediation for documentation purposes, even if you suspect it will be unproductive.
Seek support: simply describing the situation and the other person's behavior to authorities often leads nowhere, as systems aren’t equipped to recognize and address personality disorders without an official diagnosis.
Important ressources: Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Professor Dr. Sam Vaknin and Dr. Lundy Bancroft.
