Setting Boundaries with a Narcissist
Setting boundaries with a narcissist is incredibly challenging. True narcissists are rigidly fixed in their behavior patterns, unwilling to change. They live in constant projection, blaming you (and everyone else), refusing to take responsibility. Regardless of their actions, you (or others) are always the problem.
Defense Mechanisms
Narcissists often use gaslighting to manipulate your reality and make you doubt yourself. They react with anger and rage when they don't get their way. They may employ the silent treatment as punishment and control, making you believe you are the issue. Narcissists thrive on conflict and drama, as it provides them with attention and validation. Conserve your energy; don't engage in their drama.
Strategies for Setting Boundaries
Be Direct and Clear: Avoid subtle language; narcissists are masters of twisting words.
Set Specific Boundaries: Clearly communicate what behaviors you will and will not accept.
Be Consistent: Don’t be swayed by their manipulation tactics. Stand firm.
Expect Resistance: Narcissists will repeatedly test your boundaries. They might involve others ("flying monkeys") to pressure you.
Anticipate New Conflicts: They’ll likely shift the conflict to a new area once you set a boundary, pretending the previous issue is forgotten. Stay focused on the boundaries you've already established and continue building on your successes.
Avoid Arguing or Explaining: Narcissists aren't interested in your perspective, despite appearances. Sharing your reasoning often fuels further conflict and provides them with ammunition to use against you later. Logic rarely works; accept this.
Physically Remove Yourself: If a situation becomes too intense, disengage until you’ve regained composure. Seek support to process and manage your emotions.
Set Boundaries via Email: If contact is unavoidable, use email. Written communication often limits their manipulation tactics.
Note: Though they might not show it, setting boundaries is likely stressful for them. Over time, your consistent boundary setting will become increasingly difficult for them to handle. You're reclaiming your power. However, don't expect them to learn from this or take responsibility. You're setting boundaries for your well-being, and possibly for your children’s.
Resources for further inspiration: Dr. Ramani Durvasula, Professor Dr. Sam Vaknin and Dr. Lundy Bancroft.
